First they came for X-Factor, and I didn’t speak out because, whatever, I don’t watch that show.
Then they came for Twitter, and I didn’t tweet out because I didn’t want to incur their wrath. I like my trending topics news related, not overwhelmed by prepubescent games of red rover between boy band fan groups, but their ability to swarm-attack is terrifying.
Then they came for Pinterest, and there were no other platforms I could use to complain where they wouldn’t overwhelm me.
You know who I’m talking about: One Direction fans.
Pardon me, 1D. Like a swarm of insatiable baby locusts, they will not be satisfied until every platform on earth has been consumed by their bubblegum pop and bitter wars of attrition with Beliebers and The Wanted fans.
I first noticed their presence when these pins became more and more plentiful on the popular page. These pins are called One Direction Facts, or two seconds of my life that I would very much like to get back but, tragically, cannot.
This is stupid, Jessica.
I now know that “Zayn” and “Liam” once had a fight that was resolved with a hug. Thinking about what other more relevant factoid was pushed out of my brain to make room for that one upsets me. The capital of South Dakota? The year Canada was founded? I’ll never know.
Oh, and a note for Amy: resolving a conflict with a hug doesn’t make you gay, it makes you sane, adorable, and probably British.
Niall’s early olive branch, sadly, did not lead to a lasting peace between the Bieber and 1D factions.
Things I didn’t need to know, #98137. I’m going to go wash out my brain and eyes with soap in the… sink.