Guns and Lululemon don’t mix

9 Sep

It’s back to school time! How about a pop quiz?

See if you can identify which of the following statements is false.

  1. Exercise is my favourite thing ever.
  2. Especially running. I love to run.
  3. I love to run at night.
  4. When I run, I love to wear spanx under my running shorts.
  5. In those spanx, I like to conceal a handgun, pointed directly at my ass.
  6. If I was attacked, I would definitely have time to reach into my shorts, into the spanx holster, pull out the gun, and defend myself.

Did you guess all? Congratulations: the correct answer is all, all answers are false.

Here are the true versions of those statements:

  1. Exercise is not my favourite thing ever. As previously discussed, that’s peanut butter fudge.
  2. I don’t run. At all. If I tried, it would be more of a slow lope.
  3. I definitely do not run at night. That time is reserved for writing these posts.
  4. I cannot imagine anything less comfortable than wearing a holstered pair of spanx under my shorts.
  5. I would never carry a concealed weapon in said spanx.
  6. I would probably not have the time to get the gun if I was being attacked.

Most women, when attacked in public, are attacked from behind. In those cases the attacker would probably find the gun before you do. How convenient!

Screencap of a PInterest pin of a pair of under running shorts with a gun holster in the small of the back

If you do jog in a crime-ridden area, there are alternatives that would be much less likely to be used against you.

Isn’t this mace just darling?

Screencap of a Pinterest pin for a pink mace can.

Or, there’s the alarm option. This one comes with a bonus: If your attacker grabs your wrist, he’ll set it off himself!

Screencap of a Pinterest pin of a wrist rape alarm.

The alarm watch could also be a great option for those awkward first meetings in the online dating world. Drinks not going well? Simply press the button without him seeing, tell your him that you have to leave for an important, G14-classified mission, and run out of the bar dramatically.

Tons of fun! In truth, women shouldn’t have to jog with a gun or a rottweiler, mace or a whistle, stay inside and buy a treadmill, or avoid night jogging all together. Violence should be dealt with on the supply side (not that there’s a demand side), with better programs to root out sexism, discourage violence against women and rehabilitate aggressors so they don’t recommit their crimes.

Running spanx- and gun-free is at night is not just a right, but a safety issue. Which is to say: I’d probably shoot myself in the ass. Anyone else?

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