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Want to play a game today?

27 Nov

You’ve written inspiring mantras on post-its for their ensuite bathroom mirrors, breastfed exclusively for four years, and you hand-sew all of their organic clothing–but you’re not sure if your kids feel special enough.

What to do, what to do.

Here’s an idea: don’t write on their bananas. Put down that ballpoint pen, step back from your granite kitchen island, and think about what you’re doing. You’re writing on a banana–it’s the perfect storm of sweet and creep. Later, when you complain to your friends about how busy you are, remember this moment: you spent time you could have used to read or nap to write on a banana.

Also, as everyone knows, bananas that talk are pretty creepy:

That show provided me with a childhood’s worth of nightmares.

Most children who are given an inscribed banana will reach one of two conclusions:

1. The bananas love them and want to play with them.

2. Their parents are emotionally needy and insane.

I can’t get over the third banana–let’s play a game. Straight out of Saw.

Trick or tutu

31 Oct

It’s Halloween, and your kids care about one thing: CANDY! How much can I eat before I throw up? Let’s find out!

Parents–especially Pinterest parents–seem to have far more on their minds. Does my kid look cute? And more importantly, does my little girl look sexy sassy? Does she look pretty and girly enough? No? IT’S TUTU TIME.

Spot the difference:

Strength versus beauty, because little boys should be strong, and girls should be “super sweet.” LOVING the stockings.

Evidently, the traditional spidey suits are just too masculine and unpretty for female tots, who need to show off their narrow little waists and plenty of skin.

I have a few ideas about who might be responsible for girls and their parents becoming obsessed with looking pretty and feminine at such an early age,

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Two terrible trends collide

3 Sep

Tutu and camo have come together to create this unholy bastard child of an outfit, apparently intended for children. What did children ever do to you, Tyffani?

Screencap of a Pinterest pin of a pink camo and tutu dress.

Stuff for the kids? No. With a matching headpiece? HECK NO.

Scenarios in which this dress could be appropriate:

  • Paintball bachelorette
  • Wal-Mart
  • Flamingo hunting

Scenarios where it’s definitely inappropriate:

  • Anywhere else, for example, in a child’s closet, on a baby

Pinterest reacts to Todd Akin

22 Aug

Sometimes, Pinterest can seem like a glimpse into the Bible Belt’s subconscious; the social platform definitely tilts right politically and socially.  Pro-life, anti-Obama and camo wedding pins abound. With all the abstinence-only education pins, I thought the conservative communities on Pinterest would rejoice at the publicity around one of their own.

However, Todd Akin’s recent remarks on rape–generally in sync with the GOP’s anti-abortion platform–brought out an unexpected burst of anti-Republican vitriol. Yes, vitriol. Clearly, I’ve spent too much time watching election coverage.

Most pinners are aware of the three solid methods of birth control:

Birth control effectiveness: condoms, 99 percent, birth control, 99 percent, crocs, 100 percent.

Todd Akin, Republican Senate nominee and member of the House Science, Space and Technology committee (yes, really), believes all three methods are superfluous. The most effective form of birth control? Women can shut down pregnancies through sheer force of will!

“If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” – Todd Akin

As opposed to an illegitimate rape, through which women get pregnant (serve them right!).

The people of Pinterest, like most people who possess even the slightest understanding of human reproduction, disagreed.

Angry Pinterest pins of Todd Akin

You can even purchase a legitimate rape kit inspired by Todd.

Screencap of a pin, Introducing the Todd Akin Legitimate Rape Kit. If you're pregnant, you were not legitimately raped.Under Todd Akin and the GOP’s planned health care cuts, however, this would probably be closer to the actual cost of a rape kit for women without health insurance–up to $4,570. Should bring the number of reported rapes down! Akin: tough on crime.

What happened to the brave few pro-Akin pinners?

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Then comes baby in a hunting-themed carriage

11 Aug

If you happen to get lucky on your hunting honeymoon after your hunting wedding, you’ll know how to decorate the nursery immediately.

You see, babies, perhaps overly innocent in nature, need to be prepared for the hard world of hunting from birth.

In order for them to form the emotional callouses necessary to shoot at live animals, it would be wise to avoid the usual cutesy baby animal decor that most parents (softies!) choose for nurseries.

A screencap of a pin of a baby crib with camo sheets and pillow.

I love the little baby bunny peaking out of the camo headboard cover. Animal-spotting practice for the wilderness!

Here’s where I begin to think that hunting theme for baby is a bad idea: the traveling camoflauge baby carrier.

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Unintentional Halloween ideas

6 Aug

In a blow to the fetal personhood movement, these cookies capture what a baby looks like before it exits the womb as seen through an ultrasound.

The “fetus” icing kind of looks like a cartoon ghost that fell into a blender.

A screencap of a pin of ultrasound cookies. Ultrasound shaped wiht a black background and white icing swirled overtop to look sort of like a fetus.

And you thought cookies couldn’t deal a blow to the fetal personhood movement.

These cookies are perfect for your next Halloween baby shower, or Democrat convention.

Glitter and spankings

5 Aug

Apologies to everyone who thought this was a post on Twilight or 50 Shades of Misogyny. No, this is a post about the decidedly unsexy topic of parenting.

There’s a fork in the road of parenting that every mom and dad comes to: the way of glitter, or the way of spanking. Judging from this pin, many Pinterest parents have chosen the well-beaten path of corporal punishment (see what I did there?).

A screencap of a pin for time out glitter bottles, used ot calm a child down. Some have commented that they're a great idea, and someone has said what happened to real discipline.

More pinners bemoan the dearth of spanking below:

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Even higher shoe aspirations for the generation of tomorrow

1 Jul

What does the baby who grew up in pink, blinged-out converse wear when they’re old enough to walk?

These, naturally:

A pin of black and pink hello kitty heels, with admiring comments.

You’ve got big dreams, Anne. You know what they say:
An inspirational quote from Pinterest, saying, If your dreams don't scare you they're not big enough.
It definitely rings true for me. Anne’s dreams strike terror into every fiber of my being.

Pinfuriating, pinept, pinsipid, pinfernal, pinfantile, pinane…

11 Apr

Oh hai! If you’re reading this, you’re either one of my curious friends, or have a ton of time to poke around the internet. This site is dedicated to Pinterest–specifically, the infuriating pins that are ripe, ripe for satire.


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