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Redundant shirt is redundant

20 Sep

Every woman wants to dress like a fourteen year old. DIY tribal shorts, flip flips, hair down to shins…

Wait, wait, wait. Let me correct myself–every woman on Pinterest seems to want to dress like a 14 year-old. At least, that’s the impression one might get while browsing fashion pins that scream “I just hit puberty!”

A crop top definitely says youth. Just in case you wanted to really, really emphasize your jejuneness (yes, that’s a word), you could try this:

Pin of a shirt that says young with an infinity loop stretched across the chest.

This shirt doesn’t just say, “I’m young.”It has a bolder statement on infinite youth, especially when worn by women.

Let’s imagine it on, shall we?

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Two terrible trends collide

3 Sep

Tutu and camo have come together to create this unholy bastard child of an outfit, apparently intended for children. What did children ever do to you, Tyffani?

Screencap of a Pinterest pin of a pink camo and tutu dress.

Stuff for the kids? No. With a matching headpiece? HECK NO.

Scenarios in which this dress could be appropriate:

  • Paintball bachelorette
  • Wal-Mart
  • Flamingo hunting

Scenarios where it’s definitely inappropriate:

  • Anywhere else, for example, in a child’s closet, on a baby

Paternalism alive and well at GOP convention, on Pinterest

2 Sep

Wimmins: without constant guardianship by older males, we just crumble, amirite? Some pinners certainly think so.

Gah! Ferns and a babbling brook! SAVE ME!

Paternalistic pin

Is a boy who can’t even put a hat on correctly capable of protecting anyone from anything? From the look of this picture, the girl has bigger guns than he does. Clearly, she can take on those scary plants she’s turned away from herself.

More sanguine relationship advice from Pinterest’s paternalistic wing:

Pinterest pin saying protect her like a daughter, love her like a wife, respect her like your mother.

Ah, yes. Treating your girlfriend simultaneously like a child, a wife, and your mother. That doesn’t sound like a recipe for disaster at all.

All of these pins equating familial and romantic love really creep me out. Seriously. Anyone else?

Summer: farewell, farewell

1 Sep

Tragedy has struck: it’s September 1.

My depression at the dawn of slush season is deep, and can only be expressed fully through poetry.

“It fades–this green this lavish interval
This time of flowers and fruits,
Of melon ripe along the orchard wall,
Of sun and sails and wrinkled linen suits;
Time when the world seems rather plus than minus
And pollen tickles the allergic sinus.

The zinnia withers, mortal as the tulip.
Now from the dripping glass
I’ll sip no more the amateur mint julep
Nor dine al fresco on the alien grass;
Nor scale the height nor breast the truculent billow
Nor lay my head on any weekend pillow.

To paraphrase Phillys McGinley: fall means no mint juleps, and certainly no “scaling the truculent billow” (ie swimming in harsh waves). Pinterest, unfortunately, tainted all my scaling and juleping by anticipating fall and winter as early as April.

Now, however, autumn pins no longer seem so out of place. They’re like a plague.

I’m not sure if this doorscape says “farmer with an inventory problem” or “Pottery Barn enthusiast with too much money and time.”

An overly elaborate door concept for fall, found on Pinterest.

So, this door concept requires at least 15 squash, 100 apples, 40 corn stalks, 6 buckets and 4 hay bales. Antique pitchfork? It’ll set you back at least $100 at your local Pier 1.

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When the scent of hairspray and desperation becomes overpowering

29 Aug

A screencap of a Pinterest board--imaginary pinterest wedding. sad.

Ladies, ladies, ladies.

Screencap of a Pinterest board 'for my friends who are getting married'

Seriously? We may as well come right out and say it.

Screencap of a PInterest board titled 'I'm not engaged but if I were'

Let’s be even more direct.

Screencap of a pinterest board entitled 'just insert man here lol'

LOL :-) (*sob*). Oh dear. The awful part? She’s not alone.

Screencap of a plethora of boards for imaginary weddings

There are many better things to do than taking your wedding daydreams (those are okay!) and constructing elaborate fantasies on Pinterest (thatz just kinda sad). We all want to find our soulmate, but will picking your centerpieces now help?

When you’re not only looking for the guy who will propose with a well-planned flashmob, but expending enough energy on the prospect that you’ve planned your wedding to him right down to your underwear (lace boxers, of course), you may be veering into obsession. Let’s recap:

Acceptable obsessions:

  • Attending weddings and the inevitable, enjoyable snarking about the decor; occasionally daydreaming about your own nuptials
  • Ryan Gosling
  • Pugs

Unacceptable obsessions:

  • Wedding planning and pinning when you’re not engaged
  • Stalking Ryan Gosling IRL
  • Borrowing pugs you don’t own, stuffing them into cute outfits, taking photos, and using them as the caller profile pics for contacts on your phone

Screencap of several I need to find a husband Pinterest boards.

Think of what you could do with all the time that would be freed up without imaginary wedding planning. You could master the fine art of crochet! Learn computer coding! Do one nail in each of these elaborate styles (chevron! ombre! hooker gets ahold of a bedazzler!). In other words, things you can do yourself, that you have control over.

Making someone love you? It doesn’t fall into that category.

As a great feminist once said, a woman needs a man like a fish needs one of those fish tank castle things (or something along those lines). Nice to have, but you know. This feminist also said, or would have said: a woman needs an elaborate wedding fantasy like a fish needs water laced with sulfuric acid, which is to say, she’s probably better off without.

At the very least, you don’t have to get all Snow White about it on Pinterest.

Screencap of many one day my prince will come boards.

And some parents say exposing their little girls to princess stories doesn’t warp them for life.

Our hair has always been washed in the kitchen sink

26 Aug

When you have to get your hair did in the kitchen sink like Alana’s mama, and your preferred style involves a metric ton of hydrogen peroxide, mishaps can occur.

For example, you could end up looking like the spawn of a hipster and one of those plastic trolls.

Hayley, this “ombre” hairstyle is literally trolling you. Lesson learned? Never re-pin anything from a Tumblr entitled “velvet gh0st.”

A pinterest screencap of a girl with bleached blue and pink hair.

The shoes and knee socks say girly innocence, and the sweatshirt dress, hair and headpiece say Very Mary Kate has escaped rehab and fallen into a vat of bleach. Ombre has never looked less beautimous.

Part of a week long series of posts with titles inspired by Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, because, why not?

Kind of like a lopsided, obtuse, triangle, oval all put together like a, like a deformed shape

25 Aug

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is the best show on television right now, filling the vacuum left by the end of Mad Men’s fifth season. You know it’s true.

For the next few days, I’ll use quotes by Honey Boo Boo (Alana) and her family to title my posts. As I’ve said, sometimes Pinterest can feel like the Bible Belt’s subconscious personified. June’s family? Ditto.

If you’d like to fit big mama’s description of herself her family (lopsided, obtuse, traingle, oval), please put on this unflattering poncho:

Peeing in a lake? Don’t want anyone to know?

This is the poncho for you; this stylish sundress will keep you covered while in the water, and that lovely colour will hide stains once you get out. See how satisfied the model looks? Crochet it now.

Just one in a series of nightmare ponchos found on pinterest.

Thanks to @KatySems for submitting this pin!

When cute gets disgusting

23 Aug

How do you demonstrate your unity as a couple? By getting married? That’s not enough.

During your actual wedding ceremony, in addition to your vows, the kiss, the rings, and the license, you should throw in another symbol. You need to make sure everyone gets that YOU’RE TOGETHER, and marriage isn’t 1 + 1 = 2, but 1 + 1 = 1. Sharing a glass of honey water, lighting a unity candle, and making a vase of unity sand all serve this purpose.

Or, you could create a painting.

Screencap of a pinterest pin of a bride and a groom creating a gloopy unity with two jars of pastel paint.You can hang it right above the bed for memories of the whole event, from ceremony to honeymoon. Ew.

Just because a craft is easy, doesn’t mean it’s worth doing

13 Aug

Do you need no-sew pillow covers? A door wreath for spring made of taffeta and eggshells? A painted washing machine?

Just because a craft is easy, something you can accomplish with materials on hand, doesn’t mean it’s worth doing. I have glitter and egg whites in my house right now. That doesn’t mean I need to go make myself a glittering summer souffle.

Similarly, having a beige throw and a slight chill does not mean that you need to make this poncho. Realistically, it could only be used as a racially-insensitive Pocahontas/Tiger Lily costume.

A screencap of a Pinterest pin with instructions and a photo of an ugly beige sheet with a neck and two arm holes. Instructions involve cutting and gluing.

This belongs in the back of your closet with your poncho of chastity.

Always exercise extreme caution with “clothing” DIY projects that involve glue and blankets.

Pins that will literally kill you

10 Aug

Okay, so, this is a little boy who cried wolf, but hear me out: I know I’ve said that some pins have made me die of disgust/shame/shock, but some pins are literally deadly.

And by deadly, I mean they can severely injure/maim you.

Screen cap of an Ask Anna pin of a clean washing machine.

My question for Anna: What’s the proper treatment for a chemical burn?

No, this is not just some conspiracy to lower the number of those annoyingly crafty DIY-ers; some bloggers genuinely seem to think that mixing vinegar and bleach is a FANTASTIC idea. It’s one that has been repinned countless times.

What’s more important than your  health? A sparkling clean washing machine, obviously.

A screencap of a pin advertising vinegar and bleach mixing in a bottle. Bad idea.

So, for those who skipped science class in high school in favour of home economics, two simple equations:

Bleach + Vinegar = Chlorine Gas
Chlorine Gas + You = Chemical burns, potential death

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