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Jesus died for your buttercream

6 Sep

This is my KitchenAid, given for you. Add the whisk attachment in remembrance of me.

Screencap of a Pinterest pin of a feminine cake with a crossSweet Jesus. Sweet, sweet Jesus. Proverbs 23:2, anyone?

Fondant cake of Jesus' head, complete with a crown of fondant thorns.

Don’t roll your eyes at me, cake Jesus.

It’s an important section of the Bible, one often ignored (Proverbs 31 is the on-trend gospel): “Put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony.” It makes me wonder: is fondant really the best way to remember the crown of thorns?

Screencap of a Pinterest pin of saviour jesus cupcakes.

I have nothing against Jesus, really. These saviour cupcakes are a perfect addition to any Christmas celebration, and will help teach your children just how delicious He is.

BRB, going to hell (but this time, for blasphemy!).

Make it stop

4 Sep

When will the sewage trend end?

A pin of camo flavoured cupcakes, with camo icing and cake.

Camo, sorry, camouflage. When will the camouflage trend end?

Take one step away from your skinny no foam extra hot one pump latte

22 Aug

Starbucks can be awesome sometimes.

Screencap of a pinterest pin that's a snapshot of a starbucks menu offering butter beer frappucinos. how awesome.

The chain took a reasonably healthy drink–coffee–and turned it into the whipped cream topped sugar high I need every morning to fully open my eyes. But, can you love Starbucks too much?

Addiction Level 1: Denial

I don’t even need Starbucks! I’ll make it at home! It’s the same, right? It’s the same. Let’s just make a quick pit stop at their drive-through so we can compare.

Addiction Level 2: Identification

I don’t just love Starbucks, I am Starbucks.

Screencap of a pinterest pin of nails painted with starbucks logos, clutching a starbucks bag of sugar.

These talons will help you better grip the signature sugar packets, which your already syrup-loaded drink doubtlessly requires. Notice that the nails pay homage to logos past and present.

Addiction Level 3: True Love

Symptoms include multiple visits per day, organizing one’s social life around Starbucks, keeping the cups to assemble a shrine, and taking creepy Instagram-y pics like these to frame and place above the shrine.

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More kitchen tools for the cook who has everything, including a banana slicer

20 Aug

In a weak moment at Target, you bought yourself a banana slicer, forgetting forever that you own a set of knives and know how to use them.

When you got home to whip up a bowl of your signature tacos, you stared down at the guacamole ingredients confusedly. With your new banana slicer and corn shucker, you had forgotten how to use your hands for basic household tasks.

How did this go again? Back to Target.

A screencap of a Pin from pinterest, showing an avocado cutter that looks like a small basket made with wire with a handle, which you press into the avocado to create cubes.

Beware–this cutter will only work with avocados that are the specific depth and width of the cutter. It’s best to bring it to the grocery store with you, to measure the avocados against.

Two trips to Target later, and the tacos are on the table. Lying on their sides like a sad group of beached whales. But wait!

Since you’ve completely lost touch with the capabilities of your hands, a taco holder is now also necessary.

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Delete it if you dare

19 Aug

The sheer number of bizarre comments on Pinterest indicates that the tool is less than intuitive. Perhaps it’s the automatic posting after hitting enter that trips up some people, or its similarity in appearance to the function for choosing a board.

Or, perhaps Pinterest attracts, more than any other social network, multitudes of innocent newbs who don’t really understand how to use the internet.

Case in point: this pin, found on a tattoo board created by someone who should really just settle on the word “hipster” on their forehead in a hipster font from Lost Type.

A screencap of a pin from pinterest, showing a kate moss cover of New York magazine. Comment reads chicken garbage bread.

I’m not a huge Kate Moss fan, so “chicken garbage bread” actually kind of works as a descriptor for me.

I also like chicken and bread, so I’m off to make this.

Kitchen tools for the cook who has everything, is bored

17 Aug

I’m the sort of person who thinks she can get through life with a Swiss Army knife and a tarp. So, when I see seemingly superfluous implements like the kiwi flayer or the kale grinder, I squirm. On the one hand, a defining feature of humanity is our use of tools.

Behold, the dawn of man:

On the other hand, do you really thinkour hands, complex machines with 27+ bones and 17n muscles each that scientists can’t even replicate now, need the help of a plastic banana slicer?

A screencap of a pin from pinterest with a photo of a bunch of bananas and a plastic, banana shaped banana cutter that one would simply press over a banana to create slices.

Not sure if perfect banana slices are really worth a) the extra cupboard space that this tool would take up, and b) the shame of owning a banana slicer.

Apparently, the millions of years of evolution of human hands, and the thousands of years humans have used those hands to wield knives, is nothing compared to the 10 seconds in product development it took to come up with this:

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Unintentional Halloween ideas

6 Aug

In a blow to the fetal personhood movement, these cookies capture what a baby looks like before it exits the womb as seen through an ultrasound.

The “fetus” icing kind of looks like a cartoon ghost that fell into a blender.

A screencap of a pin of ultrasound cookies. Ultrasound shaped wiht a black background and white icing swirled overtop to look sort of like a fetus.

And you thought cookies couldn’t deal a blow to the fetal personhood movement.

These cookies are perfect for your next Halloween baby shower, or Democrat convention.

Feel guilty about your diet?

25 Jul

It’s easy to feel remorseful about one’s food choices. However, we can’t always pick the organic quinoa over Kraft Mac’n’Cheese with hot dog slices, can we?

Look in your fridge. Feel guilty? Now, look at the pin below.

A screencap of a pin that's a turkey wrapped in bacon. Comments range from salviating to disgusted.

BOOM! Guilt gone. Whenever you make a bad food choice, just remember: at least it wasn’t a whole turkey wrapped in bacon.

Unless, of course, you do eat a whole turkey wrapped in bacon. In which case, I applaud you.

An animated gif of Citizen Kane clapping earnestly, from the movie.


Adventures in food mislabeling

23 Jul

Soup. Warm, comforting, nutritious soup. The sort of thing you eat when you’re sick, cold, or on one of your diets again.

I know those diets: “No pasta for me! Just soup tonight. No, I love soup. I really do.”

An image of a recipe for crock pot, featuring 1 poudn of ground beef, 2 pounds of velveeta, and 30 ounces of broth.This isn’t soup, Vicki. This is obesity in a crock pot.

Where did the recipe deviate from soup? Somewhere between the 1 pound of ground beef and the 2 POUNDS OF  VELVEETA. That’s 2,588 calories worth of Velveeta, in case you were wondering. 97 grams of fat. YUMMY!

Am I being too harsh? The 2 pounds of shredded hash browns provide some Vitamin C. Oh, and I’m sure the 30 ounces of chicken broth do something towards a soup-like consistency.

At least Vicki had the sense to file this gem under “crafts”, rather than “recipes.” If Sandra Lee and Paula Deen got together, this is exactly the sort of “food” that they would whip up.

Herein lies the dilemma

22 Jul

There’s a battle inside all of us. Good versus evil. The finite versus the infinite. Pumpkin fudge versus marathon training.

I just love the fun juxtapositions that Pinterest’s popular page offers on a daily basis.

A screencap of Pinterest's popular page, with a pin of peanut butter fudge above a pin for marathon training.

To fudge, or to marathon train? To fudge… or to marathon train. Colour me confused. On the one hand, sugar. On the other, sweat. Let’s think this over.

An image of Rodin's the thinker, looking as ponderous as ever.

Where’s my baking tin?

I’ll start the 8-week marathon training program tomorrow, after baking. Yeah. That’ll burn off the fudge.


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