Tag Archives: humor

We put Glitzy on the table and she oooo’d herself

27 Aug

Going to a Twilight costume party? Good for you. It’s time for some vampire-worthy glitter!

An image of a woman with sparkly, very sparkly nails in pink and blue and white. GROSS!

Bella’s first hand job? Yeah, I just went there.

Part of a week long series of posts with titles inspired by Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, because, why not?

Take one step away from your skinny no foam extra hot one pump latte

22 Aug

Starbucks can be awesome sometimes.

Screencap of a pinterest pin that's a snapshot of a starbucks menu offering butter beer frappucinos. how awesome.

The chain took a reasonably healthy drink–coffee–and turned it into the whipped cream topped sugar high I need every morning to fully open my eyes. But, can you love Starbucks too much?

Addiction Level 1: Denial

I don’t even need Starbucks! I’ll make it at home! It’s the same, right? It’s the same. Let’s just make a quick pit stop at their drive-through so we can compare.

Addiction Level 2: Identification

I don’t just love Starbucks, I am Starbucks.

Screencap of a pinterest pin of nails painted with starbucks logos, clutching a starbucks bag of sugar.

These talons will help you better grip the signature sugar packets, which your already syrup-loaded drink doubtlessly requires. Notice that the nails pay homage to logos past and present.

Addiction Level 3: True Love

Symptoms include multiple visits per day, organizing one’s social life around Starbucks, keeping the cups to assemble a shrine, and taking creepy Instagram-y pics like these to frame and place above the shrine.

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More kitchen tools for the cook who has everything, including a banana slicer

20 Aug

In a weak moment at Target, you bought yourself a banana slicer, forgetting forever that you own a set of knives and know how to use them.

When you got home to whip up a bowl of your signature tacos, you stared down at the guacamole ingredients confusedly. With your new banana slicer and corn shucker, you had forgotten how to use your hands for basic household tasks.

How did this go again? Back to Target.

A screencap of a Pin from pinterest, showing an avocado cutter that looks like a small basket made with wire with a handle, which you press into the avocado to create cubes.

Beware–this cutter will only work with avocados that are the specific depth and width of the cutter. It’s best to bring it to the grocery store with you, to measure the avocados against.

Two trips to Target later, and the tacos are on the table. Lying on their sides like a sad group of beached whales. But wait!

Since you’ve completely lost touch with the capabilities of your hands, a taco holder is now also necessary.

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Delete it if you dare

19 Aug

The sheer number of bizarre comments on Pinterest indicates that the tool is less than intuitive. Perhaps it’s the automatic posting after hitting enter that trips up some people, or its similarity in appearance to the function for choosing a board.

Or, perhaps Pinterest attracts, more than any other social network, multitudes of innocent newbs who don’t really understand how to use the internet.

Case in point: this pin, found on a tattoo board created by someone who should really just settle on the word “hipster” on their forehead in a hipster font from Lost Type.

A screencap of a pin from pinterest, showing a kate moss cover of New York magazine. Comment reads chicken garbage bread.

I’m not a huge Kate Moss fan, so “chicken garbage bread” actually kind of works as a descriptor for me.

I also like chicken and bread, so I’m off to make this.

Aren’t you cold?

14 Aug

I’m turning into an old lady.

But, I mean, seriously. This is the sort of thing that makes me long for the Tiger Lily blanket and the poncho of chastity.

A screencap of a Pinterest pin showing a girl in a shredded rock'n'roll tshirt and undone shorts. Presumably, this is clothing.

Does this constitute clothing? Would this even pass at Bonnaroo? The Stones tour of ’78? Maybe Burning Man. More importantly: why would anyone do that to a concert t-shirt? And what did that pair of denim underwear ever do to her?

Wait: just noticed the stripper pole in the background. Now it all makes sense.

‘Tis the season to drink sangria, not to be jolly/merry

18 Jul

Spotted: Christmas pins. Already.

In case you’ve forgotten, it’s July. It’s 400 degrees outside, and you can’t escape the sounds of the cicadas hissing in the trees. It’s the sound of heat. Presumably, it would reach you even if you were indoors. At your computer. On Pinterest.

Which is why I don’t understand why this sort of stuff keeps popping up. TOO SOON.

A pin of a craft idea for an advent calendar, featuring santa.

I WILL NOT HAVE THIS @(#*$. I will not have it.

A photo of a couple in black and white, kissing, framed by two coloured red and white candy canes that they're holding out, shaped like a heart.

Seriously?

Of course, the crochet community has gotten in on the season to be jolly already. They’ve taken on Pingu, one of my closest childhood imaginary friends.

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Pins we like: in praise of plain

16 Jul

Shove aside the glitter, mod podge, and nostalgia, and Pinterest is full of fantastic ideas and recipes. I lean towards the ones that don’t pretend to be any of the following:

  • Art
  • Fine dining
  • “Thinspo”
  • Hipster fashion
  • The key to finally losing those last 10 pounds
  • The key to happiness, preferably in a trendy font written on a blackboard / piece of salvaged barn wood

Here’s a few pins that fill me with a sense of calm, rather than rage. Hopefully they’ll do the same for you.

An image of simple cut up strawberries.

Is the fact that someone felt the need to remind us that fruit can be eaten plain a little pinfuriating? Yes. I’m just glad that the strawberry massacre appears to be over.

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Some things are meant to be plain

15 Jul

Here’s the thing about decorating, which Pinterest would like you to forget: some things don’t need to be decorated.

That’s right.

Some things can just be left alone. Like the stuff you buy from Ikea, or Sterlite drawers, a staple of college students and people who do so much crafting that they have several drawers worth of glitter, scissors and trim to organize.

If you find yourself bored one Sunday morning, considering some DIY, do not turn your eyes towards mod podge. Never mod podge. The crafts that your parents and teachers had you do to keep you amused when you were a child? Not an acceptable time-waster as an adult. That’s why people invented jogging, the Oprah network, House Hunters: International marathons and meditating.

An image of sterlite plastic drawers, bedazzled with mod podge on one side, and tape on the other.

Just because something is plain does not mean that you need to pick up your bedazzler and spray Easter all over it. No, don’t “follow your bliss.” If your bliss leads you here, find a new one that doesn’t involve crafting materials for the under-5 set.

Let’s play… Bamboozle: Slow Cooker Edition (or, we’re all losers here)

10 Jul

Alright! Let’s play Bamboozle: Guess that food!

Sometimes, when you put something into a slow-cooker, it comes out looking less than savory. And by less than savory, I mean you can’t recognize it at all. Still not following? Have you somehow sheltered yourself from the slow cooker craze? Congratulations, you’ve saved yourself from one of the most pinane trending topics on Pinterest. I envy you.

To help you catch up, I give you this Sandra Lee tutorial. To begin our game of Bamboozle (slow cooker edition) skip to 4:42 of this video, turn the volume off, and guess that food. Is it beef? Chicken? Brown tofu?

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War on Strawberries: Part 2

20 Jun

The great strawberry massacre of ’12 continues. A couple of days ago, I posted some pins in which innocent summer strawberries were turned into sugary confections worthy of Sandra Lee. Today, I found two more of these disturbing pins.

Why eat a strawberry as nature intended, when you can dress it up like a Barbie?

An image of two strawberries covered in white and black icing, and some tiny rhinestones, dressed up to look like a bride and groom.


You know what tastes gross? Black icing. You know what tastes even worse? Rhinestones. In contrast, a nice, plain strawberry is delicious. I wonder how those jewels feel going down.

Is your mind in the gutter? Good. I’m not the only one who cares deeply about strawberries. Here’s a pinner who really, really loves strawberries:

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