Tag Archives: kids

Want to play a game today?

27 Nov

You’ve written inspiring mantras on post-its for their ensuite bathroom mirrors, breastfed exclusively for four years, and you hand-sew all of their organic clothing–but you’re not sure if your kids feel special enough.

What to do, what to do.

Here’s an idea: don’t write on their bananas. Put down that ballpoint pen, step back from your granite kitchen island, and think about what you’re doing. You’re writing on a banana–it’s the perfect storm of sweet and creep. Later, when you complain to your friends about how busy you are, remember this moment: you spent time you could have used to read or nap to write on a banana.

Also, as everyone knows, bananas that talk are pretty creepy:

That show provided me with a childhood’s worth of nightmares.

Most children who are given an inscribed banana will reach one of two conclusions:

1. The bananas love them and want to play with them.

2. Their parents are emotionally needy and insane.

I can’t get over the third banana–let’s play a game. Straight out of Saw.

Two terrible trends collide

3 Sep

Tutu and camo have come together to create this unholy bastard child of an outfit, apparently intended for children. What did children ever do to you, Tyffani?

Screencap of a Pinterest pin of a pink camo and tutu dress.

Stuff for the kids? No. With a matching headpiece? HECK NO.

Scenarios in which this dress could be appropriate:

  • Paintball bachelorette
  • Wal-Mart
  • Flamingo hunting

Scenarios where it’s definitely inappropriate:

  • Anywhere else, for example, in a child’s closet, on a baby

Glitter and spankings

5 Aug

Apologies to everyone who thought this was a post on Twilight or 50 Shades of Misogyny. No, this is a post about the decidedly unsexy topic of parenting.

There’s a fork in the road of parenting that every mom and dad comes to: the way of glitter, or the way of spanking. Judging from this pin, many Pinterest parents have chosen the well-beaten path of corporal punishment (see what I did there?).

A screencap of a pin for time out glitter bottles, used ot calm a child down. Some have commented that they're a great idea, and someone has said what happened to real discipline.

More pinners bemoan the dearth of spanking below:

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Halloween ideas from the aisles of your local Walmart

1 Aug

Bullying is never the victim’s fault. The girl who got her ears pinned back to stop the bullying? Bad idea; her tormentors have been taught their comments were her fault.

That being said.

Dressing your child up in this costume may make you responsible for the bullying she receives.

A screencap of a kid dressed up as craft dinner, with noodles made out of toilet paper rolls, for Halloween.

Yes, it’s made out of toilet paper rolls. No, that does not make it more adorable.

I find dressing up kids as products a disturbing reflection of our consumerist, brand-obsessed culture, but more than that: this kid will not make it out of Halloween alive.

The birthday cake quagmire

17 Jul

Has parenting ever been such a minefield? Between attachment parenting, “continuum” and dance moms, being a mom or dad is super complicated. Birthday party planning can be stressful–it’s essentially a showcase for your parenting tactics for the rest of the world.

In today’s obesity epidemic-wracked world, there are many routes you can take for birthday cake.

The classic

This version says everything in moderation, it’s my kid’s birthday. One birthday cake never killed anyone. I’m not one of those parents.

An image of a sheet cake with cupcakes on top in the shape of a lego piece, covered in lego coloured icing.

For those parents

This looks delicious to me; I don’t know how a group of dirt-covered noise machines would feel about it. It’s a vast improvement over traditional fruit cake, which can often look and taste like sugared bricks.

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