Pinfuriating is coming back from a bit of a winter hiatus (I just couldn’t look at the ugly sweater pins any longer) with some epic downcycling fails. Get excited!
It’s Christmas. To spread awareness of this little-known solstice celebration, it’s important that you cover yourself entirely in Christmas signifiers: Santa sweaters, green elf slippers, and reindeer antler headbands.
These things, however, aren’t enough on Pinterest. What if someone sees you from behind? How will they know it’s Christmas?
Does this say Rudolf to you? To me, it kind of reads more “gagged Elmo throws his hands up in despair.” Could be just me, though.
It’s Christmastime on Pinterest, as you’ve probably noticed. Right now the platform is one giant red and green explosion of holiday cheer, chock full of fantastic and strange ways to celebrate the birth of Santa.
I’d hazard to guess that he Christmases of Pinterest look very different from those enjoyed by most trapped with their families this week. Where are the pics of people downing wine in the kitchen so they can tolerate their inlaws? Whither the black-ice road rage? Rum-soaked turkey recipes? While family and friends I’m familiar with play rousing rounds of dodge-that-inlaw and pretend-you-love-the-yams, some pinners have more creative solutions.
The holidays on Pinterest are strikingly sober. I’ve often asked myself how the multitudes of Pinterest users with nary an alcohol pin survive the season, and I think I’ve found my answer. Get the leggings and tennis balls, kids: it’s time to play… Flying Christmas Scrotum.
Doesn’t this look like a fun way to spend your dry Christmas eve? Here’s how to play:
- Take your water bottles out of your recycling pin.
- Put your dignity in there instead.
- Refill the water bottles until they’re almost full–the heavier they are, the more you risk whiplash. What’s Christmas without a neck injury?
- Find several pairs of children’s stockings and tennis balls.
- Try to knock over the water bottles by spinning your head like a mid-nineties metal head.
- Attain whiplash.
It’s reminiscent of my version, where there are wine bottles all over the floor and my friends and I try not to trip and die on them.
Traditions like this kind of make me want to switch to Kwanzaa. Who’s with me? I already have a great recipe in mind!
You’ve written inspiring mantras on post-its for their ensuite bathroom mirrors, breastfed exclusively for four years, and you hand-sew all of their organic clothing–but you’re not sure if your kids feel special enough.
What to do, what to do.
Here’s an idea: don’t write on their bananas. Put down that ballpoint pen, step back from your granite kitchen island, and think about what you’re doing. You’re writing on a banana–it’s the perfect storm of sweet and creep. Later, when you complain to your friends about how busy you are, remember this moment: you spent time you could have used to read or nap to write on a banana.
Also, as everyone knows, bananas that talk are pretty creepy:
That show provided me with a childhood’s worth of nightmares.
Most children who are given an inscribed banana will reach one of two conclusions:
1. The bananas love them and want to play with them.
2. Their parents are emotionally needy and insane.
I can’t get over the third banana–let’s play a game. Straight out of Saw.
For anyone outside Toronto, please continue scrolling. To my fellow Torontonians: congratulations! The gravy train is finally leaving the station.
The Rush Limbaugh of Canada has been ousted.
I haven’t been this happy since November 6th.
This morning, Toronto mayor Rob Ford was removed from office by a judge.
Something about hopping on the gravy train he promised to destroy by wrongly taking money from lobbyists during his campaign, and failing to pay it back.
In his two short years as the mayor of Canada’s largest city, Ford has removed bike lanes, cut public transit, closed libraries, all while failing to push Toronto closer to financial solvency. The only positive comments I have about him are that he cracked down on graffiti, with some hits and misses, and didn’t block plans for a (diesel, ugh) transit link to the airport.
Maybe, just maybe, now that he’s gone, Toronto can begin to build infrastructure that will allow the city to grow sustainably. I can dream, can’t I? My fantasies include: biking to work without a) getting a wheel caught in a streetcar track b) getting doored or c) being run over by someone reading or talking on his cell phone while driving.
Do you have any Canadian Pinterest buddies? If so, send them some champagne and smelling salts! With all the excitement of the Grey Cup yesterday, and this colossal news this morning, they’re probably feeling pretty overwhelmed.
That first board title, pictured above, says it all.
…but it will never be cold enough for a chest-puppetted dress like this.
I know what you’re thinking: it’s cute, but when would I ever wear it?
The only redeemable quality of this scratchy woollen nightmare is the quasi-practical monkey backpack, and upon closer inspection, it doesn’t even work.
When would this be appropriate? Who wants the Eye of Sauron, red-chimpanzee fabric on their butt, or cutesy boobs?
Unless you’re planning a very sweaty Halloween or a very crazy Christmas, like most of the trending fashion looks on Pinterest, this look shouldn’t make the leap from your boards to your closet.
This weekend will be a time of celebration for liberals everywhere, less so for conservative pinners. I’m playing a tiny violin for them right now.
While you bask in hope for the future, new civil rights, and relief for women, check out and follow these great boards:
- Equality is not only a right, it can also be hilarious
- See how far we’ve come
- Looking back on 2008
- Fighting against the war on women around the world
- Gearing up for Hillary 2016
Have a fantastic, rape-apologist-free weekend!
Romney repinners, read this and weep.
Voting against the apparent general opinion of pinners, Americans have chosen Barack MUSLIM FOR SURE DESPITE ALL EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY Obama.
Four more years for 44 means four more years of economic recovery, war ending, and maybe, just maybe, fewer pins like these. I can dream.
Yes we did. Republican house, Democratic senate and Barack Obama as Commander in Chief.
Christmas came early for Democrats on Pinterest. Colorado even legalized weed.
If I had a mic, I’d drop it.
I’ll try to contain my excitement enough to look back at how the election played out on Pinterest over the past few months.
Sorry, Monika N. Joe Whyte of the “Romney!!!!” comment above, but your multiple exclamation marks just weren’t enough. Democrats on Pinterest fought hard for this win, pin by pin.
After garnering less repins and likes than GOP-related content, Obama is all over the popular page right now.
Republican pinners did, however, dominate on Pinterest–they put up a good fight. I look forward to their continued bickering about the Democratic senate filibustering everything, as they completely forget what Republicans did to the Democratics over the past four years.
As you can see, ballsy pinners like Chris fought right back, venturing onto conservative boards to question Romney’s policies at every opportunity.
Now we can all sit back and watch Pinterest’s popular page explode in celebration and fits of conservative rage. I’m celebrating with a Pinterest-recipe mug cake. You?
To all those who voted and repinned election pins, nice work participating in the democratic process that is both a privilege and a right. To all those who could but didn’t, you just lost your right to complain about anything political for the next four years. Zip it.
Don’t worry, Republicans. Since this is a legitimate election, I’m sure you’ll find a way to shut this whole thing down.