Have yourself a redneck little Christmas

7 Jan

Get out the stars and stripes,

Confederate wreath
Without those dang immigrants,

Donald says merry Christmas
your troubles would be out of sight.

Have yourself a redneck little Christmas,

Redneck princess ornament
Make the Yule-tide camo,

Camo santa
From now on,

Trump christmas sweaterWearing your political beliefs on a sweater will give you a lot of ammo.

Here we hunt as in olden days,

Elf on the shelf Christmas buck
Happy Rudolf maiming days of yore.

pinfuriating_25122016_redneckchristmas-shotgunshellornament-2
The right to decorate with arms, so dear to us

Shell ornament 1
Is easier to us once more.

We’ll shoot first,

I saw mommy shooting Santa Claus
and ask questions later,
If Barack HUSSEIN Obama allows.

Confederate flag stocking
Hang a dated flag upon the highest bough.

Miller Lite Christmas
And have yourself a redneck little Christmas now.

New boards!

21 Sep

For all of you still following (thank you!), I’m back and building boards–I hope you guys like them as much as Pinterest likes mason jars (that would be: obsessively).

 

Upcycling Nightmare Week is starting soon!

6 Feb

Pinfuriating is coming back from a bit of a winter hiatus (I just couldn’t look at the ugly sweater pins any longer) with some epic downcycling fails. Get excited!

Rudolf the red-nosed sock bun

20 Dec

It’s Christmas. To spread awareness of this little-known solstice celebration, it’s important that you cover yourself entirely in Christmas signifiers: Santa sweaters, green elf slippers, and reindeer antler headbands.

These things, however, aren’t enough on Pinterest. What if someone sees you from behind? How will they know it’s Christmas?

A large bun with a red scrunchie shoved in the middle, with two googly eyes above and pipe-cleaner antlers.

Does this say Rudolf to you? To me, it kind of reads more “gagged Elmo throws his hands up in despair.” Could be just me, though.

How the sober and imaginative celebrate the season

19 Dec

It’s Christmastime on Pinterest, as you’ve probably noticed. Right now the platform is one giant red and green explosion of holiday cheer, chock full of fantastic and strange ways to celebrate the birth of Santa.

I’d hazard to guess that he Christmases of Pinterest look very different from those enjoyed by most trapped with their families this week. Where are the pics of people downing wine in the kitchen so they can tolerate their inlaws? Whither the black-ice road rage? Rum-soaked turkey recipes? While family and friends I’m familiar with play rousing rounds of dodge-that-inlaw and pretend-you-love-the-yams, some pinners have more creative solutions.

The holidays on Pinterest are strikingly sober. I’ve often asked myself how the multitudes of Pinterest users with nary an alcohol pin survive the season, and I think I’ve found my answer. Get the leggings and tennis balls, kids: it’s time to play… Flying Christmas Scrotum.

Two men bend over with leggings on their heads, stuffed with a tennis ball in each foot, apparently trying to knock over a water bottle.

Doesn’t this look like a fun way to spend your dry Christmas eve? Here’s how to play:

  1. Take your water bottles out of your recycling pin.
  2. Put your dignity in there instead.
  3. Refill the water bottles until they’re almost full–the heavier they are, the more you risk whiplash. What’s Christmas without a neck injury?
  4. Find several pairs of children’s stockings and tennis balls.
  5. Try to knock over the water bottles by spinning your head like a mid-nineties metal head.
  6. Attain whiplash.

It’s reminiscent of my version, where there are wine bottles all over the floor and my friends and I try not to trip and die on them.

Traditions like this kind of make me want to switch to Kwanzaa. Who’s with me? I already have a great recipe in mind!

Want to play a game today?

27 Nov

You’ve written inspiring mantras on post-its for their ensuite bathroom mirrors, breastfed exclusively for four years, and you hand-sew all of their organic clothing–but you’re not sure if your kids feel special enough.

What to do, what to do.

Here’s an idea: don’t write on their bananas. Put down that ballpoint pen, step back from your granite kitchen island, and think about what you’re doing. You’re writing on a banana–it’s the perfect storm of sweet and creep. Later, when you complain to your friends about how busy you are, remember this moment: you spent time you could have used to read or nap to write on a banana.

Also, as everyone knows, bananas that talk are pretty creepy:

That show provided me with a childhood’s worth of nightmares.

Most children who are given an inscribed banana will reach one of two conclusions:

1. The bananas love them and want to play with them.

2. Their parents are emotionally needy and insane.

I can’t get over the third banana–let’s play a game. Straight out of Saw.

Say goodbye to Rob Ford, Pinterest

26 Nov

For anyone outside Toronto, please continue scrolling. To my fellow Torontonians: congratulations! The gravy train is finally leaving the station.

The Rush Limbaugh of Canada has been ousted.

I haven’t been this happy since November 6th.

This morning, Toronto mayor Rob Ford was removed from office by a judge.

Something about hopping on the gravy train he promised to destroy by wrongly taking money from lobbyists during his campaign, and failing to pay it back.

In his two short years as the mayor of Canada’s largest city, Ford has removed bike lanes, cut public transit, closed libraries, all while failing to push Toronto closer to financial solvency. The only positive comments I have about him are that he cracked down on graffiti, with some hits and misses, and didn’t block plans for a (diesel, ugh) transit link to the airport.

Maybe, just maybe, now that he’s gone, Toronto can begin to build infrastructure that will allow the city to grow sustainably. I can dream, can’t I? My fantasies include: biking to work without a) getting a wheel caught in a streetcar track b) getting doored or c) being run over by someone reading or talking on his cell phone while driving.

Do you have any Canadian Pinterest buddies? If so, send them some champagne and smelling salts! With all the excitement of the Grey Cup yesterday, and this colossal news this morning, they’re probably feeling pretty overwhelmed.

That first board title, pictured above, says it all.

Baby, it’s cold outside…

26 Nov

…but it will never be cold enough for a chest-puppetted dress like this.

Behold:

A head-to-toe sock monkey dress.

I know what you’re thinking: it’s cute, but when would I ever wear it?

Kidding.

The only redeemable quality of this scratchy woollen nightmare is the quasi-practical monkey backpack, and upon closer inspection, it doesn’t even work.

When would this be appropriate? Who wants the Eye of Sauron, red-chimpanzee fabric on their butt, or cutesy boobs?

Unless you’re planning a very sweaty Halloween or a very crazy Christmas, like most of the trending fashion looks on Pinterest, this look shouldn’t make the leap from your boards to your closet.

Happy Friday!

9 Nov

This weekend will be a time of celebration for liberals everywhere, less so for conservative pinners. I’m playing a tiny violin for them right now.

While you bask in hope for the future, new civil rights, and relief for women, check out and follow these great boards:

Have a fantastic, rape-apologist-free weekend!

Obama on election night 2012

It’s only a sweatshirt, Mae

7 Nov

And it’s 80s throwback sweatshirt at that. It really complements those acid-wash jeans.

So, she wants the cross to be bigger? I’m not really sure how this would be feasible, unless the sweatshirt was made into a full-body bedazzled jumpsuit. Shudder.

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