View this terrible pin in all its terrible glory on Pinterest.
Get out the stars and stripes,
Have yourself a redneck little Christmas,
Here we hunt as in olden days,
The right to decorate with arms, so dear to us
We’ll shoot first,
It’s Christmas. To spread awareness of this little-known solstice celebration, it’s important that you cover yourself entirely in Christmas signifiers: Santa sweaters, green elf slippers, and reindeer antler headbands.
These things, however, aren’t enough on Pinterest. What if someone sees you from behind? How will they know it’s Christmas?
Does this say Rudolf to you? To me, it kind of reads more “gagged Elmo throws his hands up in despair.” Could be just me, though.
It’s Christmastime on Pinterest, as you’ve probably noticed. Right now the platform is one giant red and green explosion of holiday cheer, chock full of fantastic and strange ways to celebrate the birth of Santa.
I’d hazard to guess that he Christmases of Pinterest look very different from those enjoyed by most trapped with their families this week. Where are the pics of people downing wine in the kitchen so they can tolerate their inlaws? Whither the black-ice road rage? Rum-soaked turkey recipes? While family and friends I’m familiar with play rousing rounds of dodge-that-inlaw and pretend-you-love-the-yams, some pinners have more creative solutions.
The holidays on Pinterest are strikingly sober. I’ve often asked myself how the multitudes of Pinterest users with nary an alcohol pin survive the season, and I think I’ve found my answer. Get the leggings and tennis balls, kids: it’s time to play… Flying Christmas Scrotum.
Doesn’t this look like a fun way to spend your dry Christmas eve? Here’s how to play:
- Take your water bottles out of your recycling pin.
- Put your dignity in there instead.
- Refill the water bottles until they’re almost full–the heavier they are, the more you risk whiplash. What’s Christmas without a neck injury?
- Find several pairs of children’s stockings and tennis balls.
- Try to knock over the water bottles by spinning your head like a mid-nineties metal head.
- Attain whiplash.
It’s reminiscent of my version, where there are wine bottles all over the floor and my friends and I try not to trip and die on them.
Traditions like this kind of make me want to switch to Kwanzaa. Who’s with me? I already have a great recipe in mind!
…but it will never be cold enough for a chest-puppetted dress like this.
I know what you’re thinking: it’s cute, but when would I ever wear it?
The only redeemable quality of this scratchy woollen nightmare is the quasi-practical monkey backpack, and upon closer inspection, it doesn’t even work.
When would this be appropriate? Who wants the Eye of Sauron, red-chimpanzee fabric on their butt, or cutesy boobs?
Unless you’re planning a very sweaty Halloween or a very crazy Christmas, like most of the trending fashion looks on Pinterest, this look shouldn’t make the leap from your boards to your closet.