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Have yourself a redneck little Christmas

7 Jan

Get out the stars and stripes,

Confederate wreath
Without those dang immigrants,

Donald says merry Christmas
your troubles would be out of sight.

Have yourself a redneck little Christmas,

Redneck princess ornament
Make the Yule-tide camo,

Camo santa
From now on,

Trump christmas sweaterWearing your political beliefs on a sweater will give you a lot of ammo.

Here we hunt as in olden days,

Elf on the shelf Christmas buck
Happy Rudolf maiming days of yore.

The right to decorate with arms, so dear to us

Shell ornament 1
Is easier to us once more.

We’ll shoot first,

I saw mommy shooting Santa Claus
and ask questions later,
If Barack HUSSEIN Obama allows.

Confederate flag stocking
Hang a dated flag upon the highest bough.

Miller Lite Christmas
And have yourself a redneck little Christmas now.

Rudolf the red-nosed sock bun

20 Dec

It’s Christmas. To spread awareness of this little-known solstice celebration, it’s important that you cover yourself entirely in Christmas signifiers: Santa sweaters, green elf slippers, and reindeer antler headbands.

These things, however, aren’t enough on Pinterest. What if someone sees you from behind? How will they know it’s Christmas?

A large bun with a red scrunchie shoved in the middle, with two googly eyes above and pipe-cleaner antlers.

Does this say Rudolf to you? To me, it kind of reads more “gagged Elmo throws his hands up in despair.” Could be just me, though.

How the sober and imaginative celebrate the season

19 Dec

It’s Christmastime on Pinterest, as you’ve probably noticed. Right now the platform is one giant red and green explosion of holiday cheer, chock full of fantastic and strange ways to celebrate the birth of Santa.

I’d hazard to guess that he Christmases of Pinterest look very different from those enjoyed by most trapped with their families this week. Where are the pics of people downing wine in the kitchen so they can tolerate their inlaws? Whither the black-ice road rage? Rum-soaked turkey recipes? While family and friends I’m familiar with play rousing rounds of dodge-that-inlaw and pretend-you-love-the-yams, some pinners have more creative solutions.

The holidays on Pinterest are strikingly sober. I’ve often asked myself how the multitudes of Pinterest users with nary an alcohol pin survive the season, and I think I’ve found my answer. Get the leggings and tennis balls, kids: it’s time to play… Flying Christmas Scrotum.

Two men bend over with leggings on their heads, stuffed with a tennis ball in each foot, apparently trying to knock over a water bottle.

Doesn’t this look like a fun way to spend your dry Christmas eve? Here’s how to play:

  1. Take your water bottles out of your recycling pin.
  2. Put your dignity in there instead.
  3. Refill the water bottles until they’re almost full–the heavier they are, the more you risk whiplash. What’s Christmas without a neck injury?
  4. Find several pairs of children’s stockings and tennis balls.
  5. Try to knock over the water bottles by spinning your head like a mid-nineties metal head.
  6. Attain whiplash.

It’s reminiscent of my version, where there are wine bottles all over the floor and my friends and I try not to trip and die on them.

Traditions like this kind of make me want to switch to Kwanzaa. Who’s with me? I already have a great recipe in mind!

Baby, it’s cold outside…

26 Nov

…but it will never be cold enough for a chest-puppetted dress like this.


A head-to-toe sock monkey dress.

I know what you’re thinking: it’s cute, but when would I ever wear it?


The only redeemable quality of this scratchy woollen nightmare is the quasi-practical monkey backpack, and upon closer inspection, it doesn’t even work.

When would this be appropriate? Who wants the Eye of Sauron, red-chimpanzee fabric on their butt, or cutesy boobs?

Unless you’re planning a very sweaty Halloween or a very crazy Christmas, like most of the trending fashion looks on Pinterest, this look shouldn’t make the leap from your boards to your closet.

It’s only a sweatshirt, Mae

7 Nov

And it’s 80s throwback sweatshirt at that. It really complements those acid-wash jeans.

So, she wants the cross to be bigger? I’m not really sure how this would be feasible, unless the sweatshirt was made into a full-body bedazzled jumpsuit. Shudder.

Stress eating microwave mug cakes, help

6 Nov

It’s too close to call! Pinterest is collectively having conniptions over the election, and so am I.

Comments, repins and likes are flying on Obama and Romney pins. Check back here soon for a big Pinterest election post when the results are announced.

We just CANNOT HAS this again (as if you didn’t know which way I would vote).

I cannot stress-eat one more mug cake over right-wing ignorance or be put in a binder.

Continue reading

Pierre has some explaining to do

2 Nov

It’s difficult to find a pin of a tattoo without a raging comment war. Those will look hideous when you’re old! You think my old skin will look any better?

It’s rare that I side with the Ink Belongs on Stationary contingent, but in this case…

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Trick or tutu

31 Oct

It’s Halloween, and your kids care about one thing: CANDY! How much can I eat before I throw up? Let’s find out!

Parents–especially Pinterest parents–seem to have far more on their minds. Does my kid look cute? And more importantly, does my little girl look sexy sassy? Does she look pretty and girly enough? No? IT’S TUTU TIME.

Spot the difference:

Strength versus beauty, because little boys should be strong, and girls should be “super sweet.” LOVING the stockings.

Evidently, the traditional spidey suits are just too masculine and unpretty for female tots, who need to show off their narrow little waists and plenty of skin.

I have a few ideas about who might be responsible for girls and their parents becoming obsessed with looking pretty and feminine at such an early age,

Continue reading

For the dog who has everything

22 Sep

You’ve already accessorized your pup to the nines, but does s/he have the figure to pull off all that bling? 99 pinners and likers agree that this is a must-have addition to any home dog gym.

You should know up front: if you don’t have said home dog gym, you’re probably a terrible pet parent. You may not have even breastfed your dog–you went straight for the kibble, didn’t you?

Screencap of a pin of a dog treadmill. yes, really. Underneath, Mickey has commented asking 'Does no one go on walks anymore?'

Why would pet parents go on walks, Mickey, when they have The Canine Treadmill? It’s only $549 if your dog is already petite, and $899 for the plus-sized hound.

The treadmill will ensure that the furry fat-ass in your life will get in shape in time for Halloween. Can’t have unseemly canine cellulite poking through their prostipup costume.

For more pet parenting tips, please check out the first minute of this Gayle episode:

When summer youthspo just won’t die

20 Sep

It’s fall. Officially. Rain, clouds, and corduroy have beset the east coast of North America and most of Europe. At first I was upset about the disappearance of summer pins, but a batch of pumpkin fudge really made me feel a lot better about the whole thing.

Imagine my dismay when these didn’t disappear.

Screencap of a pin of a pair of denim shorts with remember your goal written over top.

What is it with the worship of denim short-shorts on Pinterest? Not sure if short-shorts is even the right label; uncomfortable underwear, or American loin cloth might be more fitting. Do pinners worship the shorts themselves, or the youth and skinny and desirability in the shorts?

I’d hazard to say that most women, in fact, aren’t trying to “remember the goal” of being young and short-short-clad. Do you really want to be a seventeen year-old at a Midnight City concert? Have fun panicking about whether you know all the lyrics, constantly tugging the shorts out of your crotch, and having anxiety attacks about everyone being on MDNA but you.

This pin is meant to be “thinspo”, but actually seems to be more “youthspo.” Youthspo is all over Pinterest, and it’s pinfuriating because it’s unattainable.

I guess I’ll never fully understand the denim shorts thing, the same way that I’ll never understand the seductive power of tutus, camo or crackpots.


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